[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
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I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”