When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
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[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
Sooo many times…..
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”