When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
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“what’s it like having a sister?”
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.