Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
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You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
Breaking news:
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?