My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
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*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
me 2 months after i graduated
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit