I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
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Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.