After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
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forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
Don’t frighten the programmers!
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes