Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
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Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
I’m good, thanks.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
they split up moments later
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy