“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
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[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants