INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
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Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”