Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
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I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
*Inspirational Tweets*
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes