I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
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If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
It has been 3 years since Monday.
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.