I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
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My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.