how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
You Might Also Like
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
What do you hear?
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?