I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
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financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa