When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
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Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!