I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
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I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
them: our youngest is 73 months.
me: what’s that in human people years
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.