I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
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The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.