“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
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I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
I resigned after being refused a pay rise and submitted six applications for my job. Mgmt gloated how far better candidates had applied to replace me. I gloated when none of them turned up for interview. Had to buy sim cards and create emails to pull this off. Totally worth it.
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
🤣
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not