Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
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A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
Yes my dude
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
No laws when master is gone
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Brb my Sims are getting married
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.