I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
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5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
Word!
I bought a bag of top soil to repair my lawn and as I was leaving, the cashier yelled “GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR HOLE!”
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye