Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
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The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police