[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
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The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
Good morning!
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Just a phase…
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.