[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
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My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms