(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
You Might Also Like
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
My sex drive has a dui
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now