Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
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Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey