Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
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*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
podcasts
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.