Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
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oh ffs josh did you not read the email
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
A leaf blower, but for people.
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“