Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
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“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
The girl I’m babysitting doesn’t know that for tonight I’m allowed to let her watch as many Bluey episodes as she wants so she keeps asking for “one more.” And I get to be a benevolent god who gives her another. It’s a real thrill for both of us.
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”