First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
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REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival