16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
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Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.