message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
You Might Also Like
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Pretty much. 🤣
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*