House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
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The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.