Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
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My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
how was your vacation
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
the three branches of government
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer