rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
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It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.