In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
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*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy