The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
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this is the news I live for
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
A man of commitment.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now