I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
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I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty