I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
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I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
I have so many questions.
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
repaired
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.