Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
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In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.