If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
You Might Also Like
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
man i love columbo
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Finally!
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo