To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
You Might Also Like
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
I told my vodka about you.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America