Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
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He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]