[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
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I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
Anyone really
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.