KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
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What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
Tell me you get it…🤣
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
Teamwork makes the dream work.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money