“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
You Might Also Like
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!