I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
You Might Also Like
They’re on their honeymoon
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!