Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
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Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*