me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
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Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher