My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
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I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
The Weeknd is back
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.